I felt like shit. After more than 13 months without spanking my children, after taking my time to apologize to them for doing so in the past and even writing an article about why I am against it; on February 27th, I slapped my son on the backside out of anger.
It had been building up all week — frustration over a lack of respect from my 5-year-old son — and I finally lost it. After dumping water out of the bath tub, I asked him not to do that anymore, sternly raising my voice on my last request. He looked me in the eyes, scooped up a cup of water, and dumped it out right on the floor. I was livid. I took him out and dried him off with a towel, and nearly ended the matter peacefully. But I was so mad at the deliberate disrespect, I bent him over my knee and slapped his bottom. Instantly I felt horrible. I violated our relationship… I had struck my son. I had done exactly what I hated and wanted to banish from our lives – violence as a threat in order to alter a person’s behavior.
I know that for parents who spank, this post letter will be irrelevant and viewed as completely unnecessary. However, for anyone desiring to practice non-violence and live a life where physical violence isn’t a normal means to an end, this message is for you. I messed up. I immediately apologized to my son and wife. It doesn’t matter that my son disrespected me; I should have never hit him. Especially knowing what I know about how physical punishment can literally alter the brain development of a child and how they view the world.
For anyone desiring to inspire change, the change always starts at home. For my wife and I, at the core of our lives is our children, and the strong desire to raise independent, responsible adults who respect other people’s property. Certainly, my family had a setback last week, because part of respecting other people is to not use violence to force your will upon others.
We live in a very violent world, with the police state recently killing a 12-year-old boy at a Cleveland park without a second of hesitation. Meanwhile, we all know about the man who was murdered for daring to sell tax-free cigarettes in New York. With all the violence surrounding us, and statist logic saying that people should be physically punished for not following the will of the majority, here is a short list of alternatives to spanking your child. It’s advice I will be following in my own household.
*Note: Like many of you, I was raised in a household that used spankings as a form of discipline, so the decision to not spank my own kids has left me to learn how to raise my children without this form of punishment. It sounds easy, but it’s not, since outside of watching a YouTube video or reading blogs from experts, I had no living example of this type of parenting.
1. Be Firm. Just as you would in a conversation with another adult or a heated discussion with a parent or spouse, be firm and kind. There is nothing wrong with being upset, just keep in mind you are dealing with a another human being, who is not and should not be dealing with commands. Focus on being kind yet firm.
2. Your Choice. What I should have told my son the other day is to either stop pouring water out, or get out of my bathtub. Put the ball back in their court, as it will be in the real world when they leave your home. It’s a good lesson in choices have consequences. Engage in a logical conversation with your child.
3. Responsibility. Instead of a spanking, another option I should have used was to offer up a lesson of responsibility. My son made a mess with the water, and I should have asked him to clean it up. If he refused, then that would have resulted in no more use of my tub, which he thoroughly enjoys since it’s large and has jets. Either way, he would have either learned to be responsible for his actions, or suffer the consequences due to my own ability to deny him the use of something that was mine.
4. Removal from the Situation. As a parent, you can decide to remove yourself from the situation in order to collect your thoughts and calm down. In my own case, when my son was throwing water out of the bath tub, I could have removed both of us by simply picking him up and taking him to the next room. There, he and I could have had a conversation. Something like “If you want to use my tub, don’t do that again. And before you go back in, you need to clean up this mess. It’s a matter of respect. Treat me how you want me to treat you.”
5. A Time-In. This is a phrase used by Dr. Gordon Neufeld. Instead of a time-out, where the child is separated and alone, almost having to earn their way back into the good graces of the parent, a “time-in” is where the parent removes the child but stays with them, perhaps placing them on your lap or sitting next to you.
Many parents reading this may reason to themselves that spanking works, but keep in mind that spanking works only in the sense that the child is scared to get hit again. Spanking doesn’t teach them anything useful. Learning to cover up your mistakes by lying or to using violence when you want to get your point across is not a useful education.
Please consider the mental and emotional understanding your child will grow up with as he or she learns to win via voluntary cooperation with other people. The ability to negotiate, to be firm on important matters, and to be respectful are traits that your child will adopt, but those traits certainly won’t be learned by throwing adult temper tantrums and hitting small, defenseless relatives.
Signed a very regretful,
Daniel Ameduri aka The Dissident Dad
For more info see this author’s bio.
I always found Focus on the Family (Dr. James Dobson) had some great advise for issues of anger, both for children and parents. Honestly, kids need to know that a person can “push” the envelope too far. We are only human and when kids are aware that the “penalty” is limited they sometimes test the waters. It’s good for them to understand that their parents are also only human AND it’s good for the parent to not be perfect, makes parents more patient with children’s challenges as they grow and not as judgmental of other parents. Btw, pouring water is a fabulous way to learn about dimension, weight, texture, form as well as the pleasure of sight and sound. See Piaget. Lighten up. I
My parents spanked my sister and I a few times, but then switched to having us hold white vinegar in our mouths. We had to hold it for a certain period of time based on how bad we did something. That stuff really sucked!
Funny thing is, we shaped up pretty quickly and all my dentists remark on how good my teeth are. Still 0 cavities! I wonder if there is a correlation…
spare the rod spoil the ……..?
I don’t think you’re a hypocrite, I think you’re just learning that out grandparents’ values and their philosophies on child-rearing were the correct ones.
Unfortunately, the rod of correction is sometimes necessary in this life.
Perhaps the greatest problem we currently face is not authoritarian leadership, but the willingness to passively accept it, to see it as inevitable. For every one of us who are what has come to be commonly called “awake,” there are ten who are sleeping. It is quite easy for governments to gain the “consent” of the majority when the majority are asleep, and mere passive indifference (or willful ignorance) passes for “consent.”
Child rearing is allegorical of adult hegemonic relations. Forcing your will through violence on those you view as subordinate not only expedites the application of authority, but teaches subordination – slave morality. The child/citizen submits; s/he equates fearful submission with virtue. The adult/lawmaker exerts authority, s/he equates violence with leadership, education, and the common good.
The question is not, “is spanking right or wrong?” The question is, “what sort of morality am I trying to instill in my child?” Except in the most extreme cases, spanking is an effective method of imposing control on a child’s behavior. The danger is that it removes responsibility from the child and makes them morally dependent on the caprice of adult/lawmaker wishes.
Having written that, I complement the Dissident Dad on his honest and courageous introspection. Cognitive dissonance indeed! I spanked my middle son once when he was being similarly willfully defiant and impressively unreasonable.
I am not apologetic about it. I wanted to instill something of a slave morality in him with regard to this sort of behavior towards his father. I believe he has the capacity to make this distinction. I do not believe this one incident will make him a slave. There are so many other times we talk and discuss and reason. He knows he is loved and appreciated and safe.
You’re way over-analyzing this, my god…
There is a big difference in hitting your kid that it hurts or giving a spank/pat on the butt to get him/her back in line.
My mom perhaps hit my butt three times in my childhood, it didn’t hurt at all but I still remember the shock so many years later.
Not the shock of pain, but the shock that i put my mom this far to do this. You can be sure i never did again the same thing and disrespect her.
I also raise my son “spank-free” but I hit his butt as well twice I guess, so far (he is 12 now, so i guess it will stay with twice forever 🙂
It didn’t affect him negatively at all.
I tink it is even worse to hit your son in a non-abusive way and then immediately apologize…. That really undermines your authority…
Unless the word “authority” in parent-child relationship is also something you don’t like….
I am sure you are a good and decent father and your son will grow up to be a good and decent man. Don’t worry so much about what happend.
Take care
Taking spanking or no-spanking to extreme is insane. You are doing yourself no favours by reflecting your own childhood. Physical punishment is necessary (spanking, vinegar in mouth etc.) because a child’s mind is developing and constantly challenging authority in sometimes good and sometimes really bad ways.
I was severely physically abused as a child and had reflexively decided never to spank but then have changed my mind. Excessive physical abuse is of course out of question.
I think there are situations where spanking is necessary but I reserve it for the life threatening ones (i.e. my two year old running into a busy road or on the edge of an in ground swimming pool, something where a scream and a quick swat might be good to teach her to NEVER do that). It’s also not a yes or no proposition–I sometimes swat my two year old’s hand when she throws her milk or juice on the floor, especially if I’ve given her clear warning not to do that. Is that spanking? The line between non violent and violent discipline is not as clear cut as you are implying. This type of defiance is common in the developing brain of children, and yes they will test their parents limits on purpose. I used time outs on my older daughter and a few times on my younger one…the most effective thing for both girls is always to remove them from a situation they enjoy. I will drop everything and walk out of a grocery store or a restaurant or take them out of the swimming pool or bathtub immediately if a tantrum starts brewing. Don’t be so hard on yourself we’re all just muddling through–and somehow all of us made it through our childhoods. Take the good from your parents and throw out the bad…
Nobody has the right to make you feel badly about this, but you obviously have a great deal of guilt over it. You’re going to make mistakes, chalk this incident up as one (if you don’t want to use spanking as punishment).
The forms of discipline necessary for each kid can vary widely. When they were small, one of my sons responded to verbal warnings and time outs, the other thought time outs were great, as he found this as a method of escaping the situation. Avoidance is not a technique I encourage in anyone. You do the crime, you own it, and reap the consequences.
Both of them now respond well to me taking away their most beloved item (now that they are teenagers, that usually means electronics of some sort).
We didn’t spank when kids were little, but they definitely give in to our authority. I listen alot now without judging, which teens need (otherwise they tell you nothing). I offer advice when needed, to help them make their own decisions, with the added mention of what I would do, just so they know where I stand without me telling them outright what to do (like an order).
Lecturing was my father’s favourite discipline tool, and it seems to work on my kids. I try not to drone on, as that can be exasperating, but children are amazing at seeing reason, more than we parents think they are.
I’m proud of my kids and they are really well-balanced reasonable human beings. They know what we expect of them, and that I believe is the key. Kids need to know what you expect of them, of course they may challenge that at times, but that’s part of becoming independent, or testing your boundaries as little ones do initially (and yours did).
Good luck, you’ll be fine. Just please don’t tell your kid he’s more special or better than anyone else, because we have enough narcissists in the world already.
When your long-term Goal : IS : ‘Peace of Mind’ : your Will will no longer accept the answer of violence from the fever of the devil’s monad.
Spanking is an outward form of : ‘a loss of control of the physical world’ : like when toys pop up from boxes, and we get scared, we fear ‘a loss of control over the physical world’ and so as children we scream – – and as adults we plan to deaden whatever it is that ‘scared us’ so
Accept the physical world as out-of-your-reach, and your children too; they are ambassadors from another world, and you are not permitted to touch them in anger, you can laugh at their silliness and irresponsibility, and that is : IT!
You may never touch anyone in anger; Jesus said so, and that ends war… .
…it doesn’t end killing, it just ends war/// killing is for another day
…anger is of course, merely fear in drag (or disguise)
What I neglected to add in my last post (due to haste post) was how proud I am of this new cadre of internet pews providers, “wow – really now”, what courage! – For myself mindfully, it’s a inner felt pleasure, a desire of the heart that weaves from memories stored-within, derived not from the savage, but that yourning to be the saint: the one who wants ‘to listen’ to the ‘sinner’ to ‘free his own’ – neighbor to neighbor – the honesty is so so real – i have my own sad stories – here’s not the place